FOUR

9th November 2024

Andrew O said that if he could go back and tell his younger self something - essentially at the beginning of his career - he said he would have broken up with girlfriend earlier. The question stumped him and he said he liked it, he found it interesting that I’d asked, so it took him a while to think of something. The first thing he said was about the girlfriend, then he thought more, then said yeah - the girlfriend.

It’s so interesting to me that a man, who isn’t without hardships in his lifetime, felt that was the most important thing he would change.

As much as I know my Dad doesn’t wish my elder sister and I away [edit on 6th January at 1.33pm - I may have been insane when I wrote that, he definitely wishes us away, and I sure do wish him away. I wish him to his homeland - hell. Burning and screaming in agony. Forever!), I am sure he wishes he never met my mum, got engaged to her or procreated with her.

So many men recently, including Tommy, have emphasised my need for a partner. I get it. I want one and I think that my struggle would be lessened with one. But if it were the wrong one… well, fuck. So I understand what they’re saying to me, and I agree because humans are social animals, I want to be close to someone, to have MY person that knows me and I know them, and human touch is so important, cuddles are important, sex is important, but I can’t afford to fuck up at a time like this with the wrong person.

Four men I have met in the last year have lasting repercussions - from broken hearts, to trust issues, to low self-esteem, to financial destitution, to attempts at suicide - due to choosing the wrong partner.

Another is heading down that road like a fool, and another is trying to get the fuck away from his poor choice while she disappears for weeks at a time, not even contacting their two small children.

I’ve always known women’s struggles, but I can’t believe how broken these men become as a result. It’s devastating. Now I get some men’s wariness because I actually think they’re affected more than women, then they become closed off and no good as they don't trust any woman, especially if they love her! The more they love, the further away they wanna be afterwards. I can’t say I blame them.

I’d deeply regret if Callum saw me in that light, but I sadly know he does. I think Daniel does too. Neither of these were hurt by me intentionally. But they have still been hurt. That makes me sad.

The latter two mentioned will bounce back. The others…. Not so much.