FOUR
9th November 2024
Andrew O said that if he could go back and tell his younger self something - essentially at the beginning of his career - he said he would have broken up with girlfriend earlier. The question stumped him and he said he liked it, he found it interesting that I’d asked, so it took him a while to think of something. The first thing he said was about the girlfriend, then he thought more, then said yeah - the girlfriend.
It’s so interesting to me that a man, who isn’t without hardships in his lifetime, felt that was the most important thing he would change.
As much as I know my Dad doesn’t wish my elder sister and I away [edit on 6th January at 1.33pm - I may have been insane when I wrote that, he definitely wishes us away, and I sure do wish him away. I wish him to his homeland - hell. Burning and screaming in agony. Forever!), I am sure he wishes he never met my mum, got engaged to her or procreated with her.
So many men recently, including Tommy, have emphasised my need for a partner. I get it. I want one and I think that my struggle would be lessened with one. But if it were the wrong one… well, fuck. So I understand what they’re saying to me, and I agree because humans are social animals, I want to be close to someone, to have MY person that knows me and I know them, and human touch is so important, cuddles are important, sex is important, but I can’t afford to fuck up at a time like this with the wrong person.
Four men I have met in the last year have lasting repercussions - from broken hearts, to trust issues, to low self-esteem, to financial destitution, to attempts at suicide - due to choosing the wrong partner.
Another is heading down that road like a fool, and another is trying to get the fuck away from his poor choice while she disappears for weeks at a time, not even contacting their two small children.
I’ve always known women’s struggles, but I can’t believe how broken these men become as a result. It’s devastating. Now I get some men’s wariness because I actually think they’re affected more than women, then they become closed off and no good as they don't trust any woman, especially if they love her! The more they love, the further away they wanna be afterwards. I can’t say I blame them.
I’d deeply regret if Callum saw me in that light, but I sadly know he does. I think Daniel does too. Neither of these were hurt by me intentionally. But they have still been hurt. That makes me sad.
The latter two mentioned will bounce back. The others…. Not so much.
THREE
29th December 2024 at 1.42am
I hope Frankie has gone. I really do, so that this is all done. Theres only so much one person can take. I hope he goes back with his family and his fiancé and life slaps him in the face and there’s no way back. Not that I wish him pain, but just reality. And knowledge - that you don’t get to reverse time. I want this to be over but I also want it to have been so different. I wish he didn’t lie to me. I want this to be over. I wish it had never happened. I wish I knew why.
And I wish I could figure out how to display the whole fucking photo at the top of the post.
TWO
This entire thing is going to be an incoherent mess because realistically - even though I’d like to - I’m not going back and attempting to post every entry in chronological order. Some things are from notes apps on different devices, some are from physical journals - the best I can do is write the date of the entry at the top of the post.
This shit is going to be chaotic - the perfect personification of my life, I guess.
I will do my best to spellcheck though, but no promises. I’m not Professor McGonagall, pal (or Hermione. She sickens me so much I didn’t even want to type her name, but she’s is the annoying little rat who’d spellcheck her own arsehole, so best to express that thought since I thought it anyway).
The date of this post is now. Today. Right now. (This clarification is for the nerds. The Hermiones out there - everywhere - nowadays on the internet).
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